* Sunday, December 26, 2004*

been home for quite some time now.
its past one.
which means tht christmas '04 is gone for more than an hr..
presents i received have yet to be opened.
for now i juz dunt feel like finding out wat my frenz gave to me.
does the gift tht they give come to show how much you mean to them?f
renz come and go.
how long will they reali stay around?
onli when u need them?
or onli when they're in need?
guess i am juz left alone all over again
promises are crap lies rubbish nonsense n evil talk
and the biggest crap is me.
tis yr's christmas passed me by juz liddat.
i've always felt tht Christmas is e best day of the yr for me.
even better then my birthday..
its a day where its a joy to give.
to give my best to e ones i love
juz as jesus gave his life for us all..
not expecting anything in return.
my dearest frenz ..my closest frenz..
yet today despite christmas frenzy n all..
i felt sad alone n not in e mood for christmas at all..
it dint feel like christmas to me.
cuz christmas isnt juz abt presents gifts or festive mood..
but its abt love joy n peace..
feel so sad.
duno the real reason why..
maybe its juz because frenz are no longer frenz..
the people we long to see..
the people we long to hear..
the people we long to be able to hold near ..
are all so far away..physically, emotionally and spirtually.
its juz sad.
guess the onli difference and consolation abt tis xmas ..
is tht although e frenz i used to have are no longer ard like they used to....
e wonderful ppl whom i gotto noe have made such an impact in my life..
esp the ones who are still ard me..
my cell grp girls..
the frenz i noe frm e china trip..
e ppl in church,
in SA , 03A22 03A21 council
cedar CHIJ-OLGC..
i love you all..

managed to call yesha n talk to him..
got e number frm es.
it was wonderful being able to hear him.
but he told me some bad news..
he n deng ting are not talking..
its so sad la.
two supposedly good frenz not talking to each other anymore.
a similar circumstance i am facing.
ironic how things change and not turn out well..
frenz juz dun talk to each other anymore..
hope they will be alright soon..
yesha promised to give in.
talked quite awhile..
abt how things are like in china n here..
its been quite a few days since we came back..
luckily e telefone was invented or else it'll reali be sad..
juz tht i hope my mum doesnt flare up when she see my bill cuz i talked for like half an hr..
still i guess its all worth it..
i feel like i reali reali missed them all..
a pity i onli gotta speak to yesha onli..
cuz thts e onli number i got..
reali brings back memories..
so many things i regreted doing and not doing..
so many things tht i dun tink i'll be able to salvage tis yr..
yet e one thing i will never regret tis yr is to go on tis china trip..

the one thing tht i noe...
the one thing tht i noe...

still rmb the bus ride journey back home to singapore ..
listening to jars of clay songs...
it brings back so many memories...
i sat at the front of the bus.
alone.
no one beside me.
no one to talk to.
just no one.
the emptiness inside.
a feeling i cant comprehend with words.
it was tremendously torturous.
hurts like crazy..
like i was stabbed a million times.
wats worse wat tht the sadness in me is overflowing..
no one seem to kare.
no one bothered.
no one will.
my heart is crying inside..
its dying.
~tas

Tas_anne @ Sunday, December 26, 2004